Wow! Sporadical!

I haven't posted for nearly two years, really?   hmmmm.   Can't believe my daughter is now 16 and getting ready to take her drivers test.   I live in a very small town and she lives with me half the time and her dad and step-mom the other half.  working well I guess.   As well as it can with the history of it all.  studying for my masters. newly engaged.  awesome wonderful patient wonderful loving caring wonderful man.  loves my daughter and totally gets that I am prioritized with my daughter at the top of the list til she graduates in two years.

lost in a time warp

Wow. Glad to be back. what a crazy time. still trying to develop my bliss muscle. it takes practice to be at peace inside my soul. Looking out my skylight to the beautiful sweeping blue sky and clouds. I am a lucky girl. Got to see almost my whole family. My mother, father and stepfather actually sat together today and had conversations and I didn't feel the need to sit in between and rescue any of the three of them. I can only hope my daughter can one day do the same.

fathers, daughters and missed time

I am really glad that I am spending more time with my dad. He has changed so much from the person I knew growing up, or I should say, didn't know growing up. I have his picture next to my laptop along with his mom. I think when I lose him it is going to be tough. I am definitely not ready for either of my parents or my step parents mortality, that's for sure.

I really have liked learning about and doing pottery with dad. It is a connection that I am very glad I have continued to pursue. I do regret not being closer sooner. I wasted a lot of years being angry at him. But I suppose that God gives us miracles for a reason. I am glad that He gave me the ability to forgive my dad.

Divorce, from the child's perspective, really sucks. I have very few memories of my father before the divorce. I suppose my daughter will say that too. about me. i don't want her to remember me as that woman. i was so .... well so not me... the me I am now is closer to the me I was in high school. I miss that girl. the free happy bohemian girl that wanted to be a poor starving artist in greenwich village.

I am still too wrapped up in the pain and loneliness sometimes but I try not to show it to the world. i miss her so much when she isn't here.

I do find some things to pass the time. I love to design things. we had a tea party this last weekend and it was a blast. all girly things. all things girly. tea and little finger sandwiches and all sorts of cookies and small treats. i miss her a lot. me and my daughter.

I want my daughter to grow up happy and well adjusted but I also want her to know me too.

existential opposites

I was just looking at the name I chose for this blog and realized that the opposite of all three would be...conflict, nightmare, misery. That pretty much describes interactions I have with my ex (oops I just conflicted my previous posting intention). Oh well, I made it 24 hours.

I have been doing some research about mental disorders and I have identified narcissism, and psychosis as two possibilities for him.

I really should try to keep with the name of this blog but today was a very difficult day. Divorce sucks. You would think that the number of years I have been out of this relationship, things would improve. They just stay stable as long as I don't "rock the boat". The trouble is his influence over our child. I can't combat that. I can only go along with each day as it unfolds. Most days I have enough to keep my busy but today nothing seemed to make the pain and "crappy crap" thoughts go away. You know, the woulda, coulda, shoulda, and the ifonlyi kinda thoughts.

I have tried retail therapy and even wind therapy(ninja500) and nothing seems to work.

Its a good thing I have a lot of people in my life who really stood up to support me. And then there were the others I thought were my friends who really let me down. No one who has not been through a divorce can ever really understand. Most of the coupledom issues are long gone, it is the lingering manipulative remarks and sideways glances that affect our child. Life is tough enough when you are in puberty without adding a mentally deranged father in the mix.

here we go again, ex's and a tea party

Okay, I am going to try this again. I make these stupid promises to myself that I am going to keep an online journal to get my voice out there and heard.

I enjoy taking college courses, I have a twelve year old daughter, twelve going on 20. I work in a boring industry (insurance) but have a great job. I love the people I work with and have a great boss.

I have been through a pretty nasty divorce and am just starting to come out of it feeling like a human being again. It is my intention not to bash my ex on this thing. So I sayeth here. We'll see how that goes.

I do however have a great guy now. He is so suited for me. He know how to challenge me and comfort me. He loves me and has seen me through so much in the last three years. (It's been five since the ex and I split up. Can't believe that.

Let's see, I am having a tea party. I know it sounds dorky but I have always wanted to have a tea party. I have collected quite a few tea cups and saucers, old antique ones that all somehow mix and match and go together. It's going to be all ladies, but the twist is it will be a brunch and admittance will only be allowed to those who come in their jammies or robes.

How many times have you wished you could just hang out in your jammies all morning? perfect!

I can't wait!