I am really glad that I am spending more time with my dad. He has changed so much from the person I knew growing up, or I should say, didn't know growing up. I have his picture next to my laptop along with his mom. I think when I lose him it is going to be tough. I am definitely not ready for either of my parents or my step parents mortality, that's for sure.
I really have liked learning about and doing pottery with dad. It is a connection that I am very glad I have continued to pursue. I do regret not being closer sooner. I wasted a lot of years being angry at him. But I suppose that God gives us miracles for a reason. I am glad that He gave me the ability to forgive my dad.
Divorce, from the child's perspective, really sucks. I have very few memories of my father before the divorce. I suppose my daughter will say that too. about me. i don't want her to remember me as that woman. i was so .... well so not me... the me I am now is closer to the me I was in high school. I miss that girl. the free happy bohemian girl that wanted to be a poor starving artist in greenwich village.
I am still too wrapped up in the pain and loneliness sometimes but I try not to show it to the world. i miss her so much when she isn't here.
I do find some things to pass the time. I love to design things. we had a tea party this last weekend and it was a blast. all girly things. all things girly. tea and little finger sandwiches and all sorts of cookies and small treats. i miss her a lot. me and my daughter.
I want my daughter to grow up happy and well adjusted but I also want her to know me too.
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